Supporting a Survivor
Survivors often struggle with the decision to disclose what happened. Some fear they won't be believed, while others may blame themselves. To best support a survivor, center your words and actions on trust, validation, and choice.
Listen, Believe, Allow Them to Lead
- When someone discloses to you that they've experienced sexual assault, stalking, or harassment, it can feel overwhelming.
- You might feel like you don't know what to say, what to do, or how to help.
- You don’t need the “perfect” words. What matters most is your presence. Listen with compassion. Believe what they tell you. Respect their choices.
- By offering steady, empathetic support, you’re helping them move forward in their healing.
How You Can Help
Thank them for sharing. Acknowledge the courage it takes to speak up. You might say: "Thank you for trusting me with this."
Ask what they need. Avoid assuming you know the right next step. Let them guide the conversation. You might ask: "What would be most helpful for you right now?" It's okay if they don't know what they need in the moment. In that case, you can draw on your knowledge of resources and ask: "Would it be okay if I shared some resources that might be helpful?"
Listen without judgement. Your role is to believe, not to investigate or judge. Avoid displaying shock, placing blame, or asking "why" questions. Simple affirmations can mean a lot: "I'm so sorry this happened." "I'm here for you." "I believe you."
Offer ongoing support. Recovery isn't linear and can be a lifelong journey. Check in over time, offer kindness, and remind them you're still there for them.
Tips to Keep in Mind
"I believe you." Disclosing can be intimidating. Often, the best thing you can do is believe and validate them.
"It's not your fault. You didn't do anything to deserve this." It's common for survivors to blame themselves for what happened. Remind them, as often as needed, that they are not at fault for the situation.
"You're not alone. I care about you. I'm here to help." Let them know that you're in their corner and they have a support system to lean on.
"If you want to talk to someone, I can go with you if that would be helpful." Disclosing to a campus staff, medical professional, or police officer can feel scary. Your presence may help a survivor feel grounded and supported during these moments.
"Are you sure that's what happened?" Questioning the details of a survivor's story can feel like an accusation of lying. The best response is to listen without interrogating.
"Why didn't you tell them to stop/fight back/report it sooner?" Everyone reacts differently to trauma. Just because a survivor didn't react in the way that you might expect doesn't mean they did anything wrong.
"What were you wearing?" or "How much had you had to drink?" Questions like these shift the focus away from the perpetrator's actions and onto the survivor's behavior. This can reinforce a survivor's feelings of self-blame or guilt.
"But they seemed like such a nice person." The vast majority of sexual assaults are committed by someone the survivor knows and chances are they already have complex feelings towards the person. Talking about your positive feelings towards the perpetrator can feel like a dismissal of their experience.
"It happened so long ago. Why are you still upset?" Trauma does not have an expiration date. It can resurface at any time and may have lifelong effects.
It's normal to experience difficult emotions when you learn that someone you care about has experienced sexual violence. It's important to tend to your own needs and take space to process your feelings with someone other than the survivor. Counseling & Psychological Services (C&PS) can provide that supportive space for you on campus.
How You Can Support a Survivor
Survivors often struggle to choose to tell anyone what happened. Some fear they won't be believed. Some blame themselves. To best support a survivor, center your words and actions on trust, validation, and choice.